We are shaped by our environments. My career centers on the tech sector and higher-education. Both worlds can be very performance-driven; the tech sector with its focus on company valuation, innovation and financial performance and higher-education with its focus on research, publications and teacher evaluations. While these worlds do not have to be seen through a performance-driven lense, it is predominately how I saw both worlds. These worlds shaped my definitions of success and happiness and I eventually realized that I had largely viewed success and happiness from these secular and performance-driven perspectives.  

My world got rocked a few years ago during a retreat with a very success tech CEO. During the retreat I shared that Mary, my daughter with special needs, while often bringing me great joy, had also been a source of great sadness in my life. My colleague then asked me a piercing question that changed the course of my outlook on Mary’s life: “Do you see Mary as happy and successful?” I was speechless and got very sad. I did not have a good answer for him. His gracious concern for me was actually a turning point in my outlook on Mary’s life. In talking to my colleague, I realized that I was imposing my incorrect and worldly performance-based definitions of happiness and success on Mary. Why would I assume that my definitions of success and happiness should apply to Mary? These realizations were very difficult to accept about myself, but were also transformational in how I have come to appreciate Mary’s life.

In my Christian worldview, true definitions of happiness and success have nothing to do with worldly performance targets or accolades. Success is about pursuing your God-ordained purpose to further His kingdom by using your God-given gifts in obedience to God. Success has nothing to do with the values and purposes someone else defines for you. So, why was I applying my performance-based definitions of success and happiness to Mary? In doing so, I had a difficult time seeing Mary’s life as happy or successful. Then it dawned on me. God has used and continues to use Mary more than anyone I know to show the love of God to a hurting world. Almost every conversation of spiritual significance I’ve had with people centers around Mary. Many of these people were not open to spiritual matters, but our family life story around Mary has touched their lives and opened their hearts. Secondly, Mary’s warm smile and demeanor brings a smile to more people’s faces than anyone I know. She truly can light up a room! Anytime we are out in the community, I feel like I am with the Mayor of Lancaster (our hometown), whether at the market, a community event or church, everyone knows Mary and smiles when they see and interact with her.

Happiness has to do with a sense that you are accomplishing your God-ordained purposes while being at peace with God and those around you. Your external countenance should exemplify your happiness. I observe Mary as incredibly happy by this definition as she is almost always smiling and at peace with those around her (except for the occasional nurse/doctor who comes to examine her!). Mary is more happy when she senses she is helping others – handing out lunches to children or assisting people in wheelchairs. To further validate my appreciation of Mary’s success and happiness, in 2017 she received the Haverstick Award from Friendship Community (a wonderful Christian organization that lovingly manages group homes and related programs for persons with disabilities in Central PA) whose motto is aptly, “Impacting the World with Capabilities”. This award is given annually to the Friendship Community resident who has shown the most growth and has conquered overwhelming challenges.

As I close this post, tears are streaming down my face, both of my incredible joy to have come to appreciate the true meaning of success and happiness, especially in Mary’s life, and remorse for the many years that I missed the same.

 

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